Friday, September 19, 2008

This was pretty funny too


Boobies: Nature's drinking fountain (17408 hits)

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Submitted by comicbookguy (View user info) at 2008-05-28 22:03:25 EDT

One of my balls is bigger than the other.

It's a minor difference, almost negligible really since it did take me 24 years to determine this phenomenon. It's funny I didn't notice earlier because I touch my balls ALL the time. So I'm feeling my balls yesterday and the right one feels just a little bit bigger than the left. The weird thing is that I felt them again today and the left one now feels bigger than the right. The only conclusion to this occurrence is that my balls are involved in some sort of arms race to determine which one can carry more "ammunition."

But I digress.

I was in Barcelona recently to visit a couple of friends and to take a much needed break from the daily grind. My flight was at 6pm but I arrived at the airport by 2pm because I didn't want no trouble. I am brown, with menacing eyebrows, and I look like I can put together a bomb. The fact of the matter is, I poke myself in the eye trying to hammer in a nail. Plus, my passport picture is terrible. They don't let you smile, and for some stupid ass reason, I decided not to shave for a few days, so I do in fact look like I will jihad on your ass any given moment. But anyways, this is the world we live in and I didn't want any shit. Luckily, I got through security really easily.
My friends lived a few hours outside of Barcelona so we were all staying in a hostel which was located right in the center of the city. First of all, Barcelona is amazing. It has architecture, a beach, and some of the finest ass I have ever seen. I literally had a boner the entire time. All the blood was in my penis and the combination of this plus the hot spanish sun made me pass out all the time.

We spent most of the day relaxing at the beach. The beach was full of Indian guys with thick accents trying to sell you drinks. The big sales pitch was (in indian accent): "fanta, coca cola, cerveza, beer...fanta coca cola, cerveza, beer." Every so often, they would throw in "or some smoke hash."

After a day at the beach and some delicious paella for dinner (which is like a party in your mouth and everyone's invited), we would go back to the hostel for happy hour at the hostel bar. 2 pints of beer for 3 Euros. Best deal ever.

It was during this time that you could meet other people staying at the hostel which included people from all over North America, Europe and South America.

One particular night we were all getting shitfaced playing various drinking games. As usual, I kept getting fucked over because I suck at drinking games. At the end of one, I had to drink the community cup which consisted of beer, vodka/cranberry, jack and coke, and sangria. It was like Satan pissed in my throat.

I ran to the bathroom, puked for 10 minutes, brushed my teeth and ate some gum and I was good to get the night started.

I was still pretty hammered when we got the bar/club. They were blaring hip hop and as you all know, I'm as G as can be, so I started to "boogie down" as the kids say.

We were all drunk dancing for a while when my spanish friend, who speaks limited english, tapped me on the shoulder. If you don't know what a Spanish accent sounds like, just picture a more sophisticated Mexican accent.

"yo comic...I want to dance with that girl." He pointed.

I looked to where he was pointing.

"Daaaamn" I said like I was a contestant on Pimp my Ride. On a side note, what a stupid ass show.
"yo, we put a fish tank in yo steering wheel! Daaaamn!"

The girl he was pointing at was smoking. "yo Pablo, that girl is fine as a motherfucker" I said.

"Que?" he said.

"She is attractive."

"Si, she is...I want to have sex with her."

"Pablo...what did I teach you?"

"Oh yes...umm...I want to tear that puta up?"

I nodded in approval.

"But...what of her friend?" he said.

"What friend?"

I looked over at the hot girl who had now moved to the dance floor. Accompanying her was the bane of every man's existence, the king of the cock block, the legend herself, the big fat friend.

I looked Pablo right in the eye. "Pablo, what I am about to do for you is a sacrificial act of brotherhood. I will be your wingman."

"Like in futbol?"

"Yes...and I will help you score."

He looked at me. "Score means sex right?"


He clasped my shoulder. "You are a good friend. I will think of you doing when I am doing la penetrada"

"No...don't do that" I said.

"Are you sure you do not want they say, 'roast the pig'"?

"That's very flattering, but no."

We both looked over at the girls. I breathed in deeply. It was time to take one for the team.
We went up to the girls and did the usual song and dance routine. They were horny Texans and they were ready to party. Lucky for Pablo, extremely unlucky for me. This girl ate all of my lucky charms. She probably ate the leprechauns too.

Pablo started grinding on the hot girl and I was forced to do the same with her friend. The fat girl (Donna) was really into it. It was like dancing with a rising loaf of bread that hadn't baked correctly. Her rack was massive. I'm not gonna lie though, for a fat chick, her tits looked surprisingly firm and shapely. I wanted to sleep on them. I was feeling really drunk.

While we were dancing, she asked me what my background was and I did the same. She said she was adopted and asked me "if I wanted to be her daddy."

Not ten minutes had passed by when she leaned in and whispered to me "you like my gut?...there's some good pussy under this gut."

"Uh yes...yes I do."

"Come on" she grabbed my hand. Let's get out of here.

I gulped.

I looked over at Pablo who looked like he was in heaven. He saw that Donna was holding my hand and looked up at me, his eyes begging me to do the unthinkable.

I thought to myself "fuck it, you only live once. I'll double bag my dick, hit it and get out."

We got back to the hostel and she shoved me into the laundry room. She started kissing me which was like a cow licking my face. A lot of drool my friends. A lot of drool.

She then proceeded to LIFT ME UP by my waist and toss me on the dryer. I am 6'2 and 190 lbs.
She started slowly dancing and stripping off her clothes, while humming the tune to "like a virgin" by Madonna.

My penis actually retreated into my balls. But, I was determined to make the best of situation so while she did her sick fat person dance, I started thinking of evangeline lilly from "Lost". Not 10 seconds had passed by and I was super hard. Donna saw the tent in my pants and ripped off my jeans and boxers.

"oooooh someone likes my dance" she said.

She took off her dress and panties. Her calves were more like cows. Someone had stolen her thighs and replaced them with giant glazed hams.

She then took her off her shirt and bra and stood there before me, a naked behemoth of biblical proportions.

Thoughts of Evangeline Lilly made my boner unwavering. Like a one eyed salute to my favourite actress.

I reached into my jeans and pulled out two condoms.

"Why do the two condoms?" she said through baited breath.

"Herpes?" I said.

She sat on top of me. Her weight was CRUSHING my legs. I penetrated her. It felt...not that bad.

She started grinding her hips while her boobies slapped together. The noise was deafening. Try clapping as hard as you can. It was ten times as loud as that.

After five minutes my legs felt numb but my boner remained. She grabbed my face and shoved them into her tits...they were like giant marshmallows.

"Oh yea! Oh fuck yea! Right there, right there" she screamed.

All of a sudden, I felt this burning in my eye as a stream of liquid hit me in the face.

"What the FUCK?" I yelled out.

I kid you not, bitch was lactating. She lactated right in my eye. It then dribbled from my eye, rolled down my face, and touched my lip. It tasted...not bad.

In reaction to the lactation attack, I instinctively pushed her and she fell off my lap and off the dryer and landed with a thud on her back. It was a good four foot fall.

She started screaming and squirming on her back like a beached whale. The fucked up part was that she was STILL lactating. It was like a stream, right up in the fucking air, and only out of the right breast.

I pulled off the condoms, pulled up my pants, and ran the hell out of there.

I was not ten feet from the door when I ran back. I had to do it.

"Got milk?" said.

It was the right thing to do.

In other news, Pablo never closed the deal that night. Fucking spicks.

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